Kindness is more important than wisdom, and the recognition of this is the beginning of wisdom.

As a society, there are so many things that we could try to be better at. Extending our kindnesses would be one. We could begin with kindness towards ourselves and then extend that kindness towards others. As we learn to be kind, one of the more important things that we could try to improve with simple kindness would be how we as a society treat our elders. We have a tendency to stumble here. We're too busy skipping through life as if we will never get old, and then, when we do, we’re shocked. Let me tell you, it's a sobering moment when you look in the mirror and see gray hair and wrinkles. For being such a civilized and accomplished nation, we fail to adequately recognize this reality and as a result fall short when it comes to the senior population. How sad for us since we'll all be there, sooner than later.

It’s important for us to remember than even in this youth oriented society; we’re ALL going to get old. It’s amazing how many people never think about this. I know I never thought about it. I thought I was still in my 30s when I realized I was closing in on the half century mark with the speed of light. It's not important how long ago that dose of reality slapped me around. Granted, some of us will age faster than others, but we’re all headed down that road eventually, if we’re lucky. As we sit around rubbing our bad knees while we age, we ought to be looking around at those who surround us and perhaps think about how they will treat us if anything like frailty or dementia visits us. Unless you’re Blanche DuBois you cannot sit back and depend upon the kindness of strangers. As for myself, I happen to believe in Karma. If you do good things, good things will happen to you - if you do bad things, bad things will happen to you. In other words, what we give is what we’ll get in return. If we treat our elders or elderly parents like second class citizens that have nothing left to offer, then our own children will learn from us, and this is how they will care for us. Frightening, isn’t it?

According to Heather Aeschleman, in an article for the Elder Law Journal, by 2050, the minorities make up less than 20% of the senior population. However, the Hispanic/Latino population will increase from 1.9 million to 13.8 million. Asians will increase from 783,000 to 5 million, while African Americans will increase from 2.8 million to 7.6 million. That’s a lot of multi-generational households. She goes on to say that these minorities face many barriers in accessing nursing homes. Overt discrimination by nursing home operators is one problem. Another is the high cost of nursing care. Yet another is the inability to purchase long term care insurances. These are all viable arguments for the existing disparity that is seen in nursing homes, but she fails to address the reluctance of so many minorities to access these services. There are some very valid reasons for this.

Keeping family together is very important to many minority cultures. In the Hispanic/Latino community care of the elderly is provided by the family and extended family, often residing in the same home. These families are not likely to seek long term care from outside sources, choosing instead to take on this responsibility themselves. Elders are respected, obeyed and looked upon as sources of wisdom by all family members. In my own family, my grandfather lived with us when we were young, and then with one of my aunts until he became so frail that my mother brought him to her house and cared for him until he died. My grandmother was in her own house until she became ill, and then, once again, my mother, as the eldest daughter, brought her into her home. As a result, we all have a healthy respect for the elderly. This is not unusual in our culture. This is also very often the case in African American families who in addition to family, often include a network of friends who are considered family. Native Americans and Asian groups, including Japanese, Chinese and Filipino, treat their elders in a similar way, also choosing to take on the responsibility rather than going outside the home. In these cultures, it’s very important to “care for their own.”

In this country, most of these minority cultures revere their elders, doing everything that they can to keep them in their own homes. When the time comes that this is no longer possible, the sons or daughters, or in some cases, the grandchildren, will bring them into their homes to care for, or they will move in with them. It never occurs to the greater majority of these minority cultures to move them out to a skilled nursing facility, more commonly known as “rest homes or nursing homes.” Yes, there are times when these families will place their elders in a nursing home, but these instances are the exception.

Interestingly, the result is that nursing homes remain overwhelmingly white, despite the changes that have made this country more ethnically diverse. Despite the fact that minorities make up 16% of the 65 and older in this country, they make up only 7% of the nursing home residents. Yes, there are income barriers, discrimination and lack of insurance, but the desire to keep the family together is a bigger reason for many families.

For the past several years I’ve had the pleasure of working with the elderly in a variety of different ways. From assisting them with Medicare issues to arranging transportation and in some instances transporting them when there were no other options available to them. While spending time with them either talking with them, laughing with them or simply listening to their reminiscences of times past, and more recently, dancing with them, I’ve discovered and appreciated everything that they have to offer. The lucky ones are still part of a family surrounded by loving and caring relatives. Others are in nursing homes or skilled nursing facilities because they have no other place to live and no family to help care for them.

It is in settings where the seniors are no longer in their own homes that we could extend our kindnesses more often. If we open our eyes it’s not all that difficult for us to look down the road and place ourselves in their shoes. What would it cost each one of us to go to any one of the several nursing homes in the area and talk to the Nursing staff or Activity Director to find out who never gets visits from friends or family? Let’s face it, most people believe that they do not have time to volunteer, but most everyone can spare an hour a week to give back to the elders in the community. It’s a lot more rewarding than spreading their derrieres in the easy chair and gripping the remote control. Try it, you might find that you like it. Take your children if they have no grandparents, what they stand to gain from this experience far outweighs what they’ll lose by spending an hour or two in front of the television or computer.