Happy New Year! ¡Feliz Año Nuevo!

By reenee, Santa Maria

Ah yes, another year is here. A time to look forward to all of the wonderful things you might accomplish this coming year. An exciting new year with no mistakes in it yet. Looking forward is always better than looking back at our bonehead mistakes in the past, don't you think? Some of us never learn from our mistakes anyway, so it's best to just let them go. Why focus on our mistakes when we all have that one special someone who is always ready, willing and able to remind us?

January 1st is after all the time for resolutions and a new beginning for most of us. On my own blog, I suggested that people go easy on themselves with their resolutions, unless they have the tenacity to go through with them. Some of us have a tendency to overreach what we're capable of, especially when prodded by others that want us to do something or make a change for them. When we fail we end up feeling guilty over not following through.

Therefore, save yourself from really serious resolutions! You'll no doubt be needed for more important tasks throughout the year. You might be called upon to settle an argument, or perhaps to start one. You might be the one responsible for putting together the family reunion, or a big birthday bash for a close friend. You might be the only one who knows how to prune the roses! Or, you might be the only male in your family who asks for driving directions or reads instructions! You'll need all of your faculties for a number of things throughout the year, so it's best to not get bogged down with petty little issues that are beyond your abilities or interests.

Yes, we all must make an attempt to recognize our own limitations. After all, isn't that what Harry Callahan told us? To give you an example, I would never take on my mother's suggestion that I resolve to visit my extended family more often this coming year. I never visit family. There's a reason for this. I know already that it never pans out. I recognize that I cannot keep my mouth shut. I usually express my honest opinions to those that would prefer to remain in denial. Therefore, I'm never a good guest to have around for "small talk." Come to think of it, that might be why I never made it into politics, or into the diplomatic arts.

So, for your entertainment, here are some resolutions that you might be interested in to get you started.

1. Gain weight. At least 30 pounds.
2. Stop exercising. Waste of time.
3. Read less. Makes you think.
4. Watch more TV. You might be missing some good stuff.
5. Procrastinate more. Starting tomorrow.
6. Don't date Paris Hilton or Colin Farrell.
7. Take a vacation to someplace important; like to see the largest ball of twine.
8. Don't have eight children at once.
9. Start being superstitious.
10. Set a personal goal to bring back disco.
11. Don't wrestle with The Rock.
12. Don't bet for or against the Minnesota Vikings.
13. Buy an '83 Eldorado and invest in a really loud stereo system. Tint the windows. Buy fur for the dash.
14. Speak in a monotone voice and only use monosyllabicwords.
15. Only wear jeans that are 2 sizes too small and use a chain or rope for a belt.
16. Don't eat cloned meat.
17. Create loose ends.
18. Get more toys.
19. Get further into debt.
20. Believe all politicians.
21. Break at least one traffic law.
22. Don't drive a motorized vehicle across thin ice.
23. Avoid airplanes that spontaneously drop 1000 feet.
24. Stay off the MIR space station.
25. Don't worry that mad cow disease will cause the end of the world.
26. Don't swim with piranhas or sharks.
27. Wear a cheerleading outfit to work and talk about Bill O'Reilly. Pretend you don't think he's an idiot.
28. Spread out priorities beyond any ability to keep track of them.
29. Wait around for opportunity.
30. Focus on the faults of others.
31. Mope about your own faults.
32. Drive on sidewalks when you're in a hurry.
33. Keep your back to the wall and knives out of the hands of others.
34. Believe everything you read in the National Enquirer.
35. Put your dog, cat, self on a diet...someday.
36. If you cannot be a role model for someone, at least serve as a good warning.
37. Never suffer in silence when you can moan, whimper, and complain.
38. Don't hate yourself in the morning. Sleep till noon.
39. Become even more self absorbed.
40. Find someone to blame before you begin that new project.
41. If at first you don't succeed, lower your standards.
42. Never read the fine print. There ain't no way you're going to like it.
43. Resolve to only read books that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.
44. Quit wasting time reliving the past; spend it worrying about the future.
45. Be spontaneous, as long as you have a good plan.
46. Assume full responsibility for your actions, except for those that are someone else's fault.
47. Do not sit in the living room all day in your underwear. Instead, move your computer into the bedroom.
48. Honor and express all facets of your being, regardless of state and local laws.
49. Learn Pig Latin and use it at work.
50. Sing in full elevators.
51. Learn to graze in the produce sections of grocery stores.
52. Rent a Seinfeld episode and learn the "Elaine Dance."
53. Write to "Dear Abby" for advice instead of using your head.
54. Speak in clichés once a week.
55. Never make New Year's resolutions again.
56. Learn about how New Year's resolutions got started and why.